Cyber-bullying consists of 3 types of malicious actions: first, anytime a mean or threatening message is sent to another person using electronic communication.  Second, posting pictures or video of people without their permission and using it to harrass or embarrass that individual.  And third, using e-mail, IM or another type of test communication to pretend to be somebody else in order to trick another person.

There was a recent study that just came out from UCLA that said 3 of 4 children had been bullied online the last 12 months.  This was in 2008.  And of those who were bullied, 71% said they were bullied by someone they know.

Children reported not talking to their parents about the incident because they were afraid their parents were going to take away the technology.

I just worked with a family who’s 13 year old daughter was being cyber bullied.  And she went to her mom, she told her and her mom said “That’s it, no more IMing, You’re done” and took it away from her.  What happened was the girl went underground.  She started IMing at other places and not telling her mom the bullying was continuing.  And it got pretty hairy and the school found out and brought the mom back in.  When I sat down with the girl and her mother and I explained that I completely understood the mother’s reaction. As a parent, if someone is attacking my child I’m just going to remover her from the situation and do whatever I have to, to protect her.

But, no one dealt with the behavior.  No one dealt with the actual cyber bullying.  What we need to do as parents, is understand that children can possibly use the technology for evil but it is still them behaving badly.

Cyber-bullying has long-term and serious consequences because there is no safe place for a child who is being bullied online.  When bullying happens at school in the physical world, a child can go home to a safe place and be removed from the situation.  With cyber-bullying this is not the case!  Also, cyber-bullying is viral!  It can spead in just seconds as the bully forwards the message to the entire school or posts something derogatory in a public forum.  Finally, cyber-bullying is in black and white for all to see and for the victim to read over and over again.  It never goes away!

If your child is cyber bullied, they need to stop, block and report.  They need to stop and not respond to cyber bullying.  Because eventually, they will be come a cyber bully.

So they need to stop and not participate in cyber bullying.  They need to not say anything else.  Then they need to block the user.  They need to stop the user from sending them anymore messages.  And they need to report it.  They need to print out the entire conversation.  Not just the part where they got bullied.  And it is not because you believe they’re culpable.  But as the parent you need to be able to look at the entire picture and say, “You know what, my child is being very sensitive and I need to help him or her process this information. Or I need to help encourage my child to go have a face to face conversation with this bully.  Or this is really severe and the parents need to know about it. Or this is so severe I’m taking this to school or possibly law enforcement.

Your children can’t necessarily make that determination on their own they need your help and your guidance to know where this falls in the spectrum.  I’ve seen cyber bullying cases where one girl will say to another “I don’t like your hair.” And that other little girl is now so distraught that she can’t function.  Well, does that need to go to the school?  Does that need to go to law enforcement?  No.  Does the little girl need help processing this and need to know how to confront the other little girl?  Yes.  But as parents we can help them make those decisions.

As of January 2009 there is new law in California that gives school the right the suspend or expel a student for Cyber-bullying.  This is not to say that it is the school’s responsibility to take action.  But it does give them the option.  The first line of defense needs to be you.  Calm, reasonable, you.  If your child’s is suffering at school because of the cyber-bullying has moved to the playground, tell a school administrator.  The laws are different in each state but you want to bring the situation to their attention.